Archive for October, 2012


Gonna tell you a secret….

A little thought….

.

.

” I hate you because I love you….

and I’m scared of loving you….

because it could hurt….

It’s much easier to just hate you….”

.x.

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Not speaking to yous

killing me,

My heart’s aching and 

this storm won’t leave me be,

My soul feels like its been ripped out

been ripped out and torn in two,

Body’s craving a never ending hunger

the only food it needs is you,

My skin consistently crawling

it’s screaming for your touch,

I’m burning a conflagration

your the water I need so much,

And yet still I fight these impulses

still I won’t have you here,

But my whole beings in a blind panic

cuz it only wants you near….

 

.x.

 

 

 

I feel fuckin empty

an empty shattered dream,

Self loathing and self doubt

reality shattered at the seam,

Across the room there is a mirror

pop two pills and step up to,

Slosh them down with whisky neat

drag my joint and step on through,

So barren and so empty

fuck this ain’t wonderland,

Shriveled grey and dark

yup just fuckin grand,

Walkin down a cracked path

sweets dished out by a clown,

Say thanks and then I look at him

his face is upside down,

Up ahead there is a forest

made by brambles bare,

Past that a hill lit from the other side

lightning strikes it there,

In the forest there is a beetle

he blocks the path what can I do,

I start to cry and he bawls

his mouth is how to get through,

Going up the hill the path it gets narrow

an rocks stones they all stick up,

Trip fall slash my leg open

on sharp edge foot stuck in a rut,

Look down expect to see blood

but there’s maggots and there’s slugs,

All this blackness just keeps pouring out

it’s all slimy so many bugs,

I stumble ever onwards

the hill my crest of a wave,

Fall through a trap door but landing softly

at last yes I shout save,

Snake venom in a bottle

drink and try your luck,

I can’t move my limbs

shit I’m so dam stuck,

Gust of wind I 

tumble out a door,

I’m not where I started

but I’ve been here before,

Bugs keep pouring

out my leg,

So many oh so many

cracking out their egg,

Stumbling down my new path

hear a high-pitched shrieking noise,

Turn a corner by a craggy tree

horrific mickey toys,

Eyes sat on his cheeks

nose is pouring red,

Meat cleaver in his four hands

bollocks it I’m dead,

Old freak face mickey

he sings me a song,

Everything spins

this is so wrong,

Open my eyes I’m

sat on the floor,

Whisky bottle upside down

balanced above the door,

The mirrors not there any more

instead a painted fairground,

Where my pills and joints

hold hands and dance around,

I grab the bottle off the table

swallow a handful of pills from once full hand,

Me and my joints I’m no longer empty

in un-wonder-fuckfaced-land….

 

.x.

 

 

Entertaining my children and….

 

…. calling my cousin dowally for hunting dragons! It’s not finished and will be continued, just a lickle bit of fun. Inspired by the….

(Septimus Heap Series) by Angie Sage

When Matthew awoke that morning, he knew today was going to be the most important day of his life. Today he was going to do what all apprentice wizards do after they turn 14…. Today Matthew was going on his quest for a dragon!

Matthew got dressed in his purple robes as fast as he could, he never got tired of examing the intricate gold thread that wove this way and that across the sleeves and hem, and then down the long flowing sides of his heavy cape. He raced down the stairs jumping over the sleeping  owl that was perched on a chair at the bottom, and stood before the great doors to The Masters study.

” You may enter “. Said a loud voice as Matthew took his hand away from the door. Matthew turned the great door handle with two clicks of his fingers, ( a trick Albert had taught him ). As he entered, it never failed to amaze Matthew just how magnificent The Masters study was. Three walls were lined four stories high with every book you could imagine. The fourth wall had three-arched shaped windows facing the north. In the center was a long table and just in front of the windows was the masters huge ebony desk.

The Master stood at his desk watching Matthew walk across the room, he was called The Master by everyone and he was so old now that only the ghosts knew his real name, even The Master had forgotten.  ” Here is your quest”. Said The Master, handing  Matthew an ivory envelope with silver thread.  “I will see you when you return “. “And remember you only have two days to complete your quest”.  The Master smiled at Matthew ” Good luck and may time be on your side “.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

Well thats what our new bedtime story is about and thats how far I’ve got. I always add lots of actions ( like a play).  Just that little bit took nearly an hour ( yeah seriously!), and even my eldest 2 stood at the door to listen, this story is being told to a 10, 9, and 6 yr old.

I hope your all having a good morning/day/evening/night where-ever you are at the end of the wire. Hugs ALL.x.

Among the dreams of many

your footsteps wonder light,

Bare feet kick up sand round the fire

sword gleams illustrious and bright,

A soft wind blows down the sand dunes

flares up fine soft sand grains in its wake,

The brilliance of full moon shimmers on the desert

like a lake,

The air tingles with quiet

contemplated prayer,

Tomorrow by first light

you will not have known they were there,

The shadows of the desert

men who footprints they leave none,

A glimps of ghostly echoed flame at night

but no shadows in the sun….

.x.

 

In this swirling black vortex

i feel so alone,

I want to call out for you

but I can’t I’m on my own,

I’ve never been this lost

never been so afraid,

When it comes to being strong

i can’t make the grade,

I remember those words

wounds those words healed,

    ….Love is and emotion….

        ……..and emotions get you killed….

.x.

The light through

yonder window streams,

The tortured heart

bursts at its seams,

It slowly flutters

to the floor,

And its not beating

anymore,

Words footstep heel

crush’s its spark,

Until all thats left

is eternal dark,

With time it slowly

fades away,

All thats left is dust

imprinted memories to stay….

.x.

 

Confusion

mindfuck stew,

Can’t help I’m into

you,

You played me

I betrayed me,

You laughed

me inside out,

Left unsure some more unknowing

filled with more self doubt,

Now I am left with confusion 

and a pot of mindfuck stew….

 

.x.

Splintered into a million pieces….

Well hi, how are you all? I hope life is treating you well and full of things that make you smile….

I’ve really struggled with writing on here simply because I don’t want this page, this space to be filled with unhappiness. It’s called An empty space because its here for me to fill with my poems, thoughts and other little moments of happiness/crazyness/all sorts, the things that make up me….

Right now as you’ve most likely guessed, I’m unhappy/troubled/stressed/call it what you will….

I got a phone call from the hospital about Taylor and his latest test results are even worse than the last lot. I was sat in the car when she rang going to get the munchkin new shoes, as she spoke to me and tried to gently tell me the it is getting more serious I felt myself splinter…. I splintered into a million pieces and blew out the window, all that was left was an empty body holding a phone…. I know, honestly I know, I prepared myself and prepared myself so I could be strong when his world started going from “normal to not” but I’m struggling to deal with this. My brain has shut down and my emotions have fled, all thats left is a body on auto pilot, just going through the days. So far between now and christmas he’s got more appointments than I can shake a stick at.

Taylor is defo not making life any easier at the moment, he’s now refusing to take his tablets and I’m getting more clever and creative at hiding them in various things!

I know all this is having an affect on Taylor as the last blood tests he had done, he firmly told the nurse that if she wanted blood she could take her own. Yeah no-one likes their blood taken and Taylor has had a traumatic experience with needles but even the nurse was shocked and I just couldn’t stop apologising. Taylor only has good veins in his hands but, they’re not that good. It means he is always bruising.  😦

I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me what the future holds or a magic doctor that could make it all better “just like that” but I don’t and there isn’t one. I would give my life a million times over and sell my soul if it ment that Taylor didn’t have to go through this and that he was healthy and kidney transplant was just a word I read in the newspaper from time to time or saw on t.v..

They say everything in life happens for a reason, that mother nature does what she does to ensure the world is constantly evened out, that G*D knows all and he has his reasons…. every time I look at Taylor I can’t help but think why?…. Why? If G*D really exists, why put innocent children through this? Why make monsters, murderers, rapists? why make people suffer?

I know I need to pull myself together and stop this useless crying ( which I do more than I admit). I’m sick of being strong  and telling people that  “yeah we are all ok and yeah all is good”. Plastering some stupid grin on my face and showing the world a great big smile. I always thought the day I’m so dreadfully afraid of was years and years away and that I had plenty of time to make sure I was ready to cope not just for my son when he needs me but for his brothers and siters to….

Well it’s not years and years away anymore and I’m more afraid than ever….

 

 

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