Well hi, how are you all? I hope life is treating you well and full of things that make you smile….

I’ve really struggled with writing on here simply because I don’t want this page, this space to be filled with unhappiness. It’s called An empty space because its here for me to fill with my poems, thoughts and other little moments of happiness/crazyness/all sorts, the things that make up me….

Right now as you’ve most likely guessed, I’m unhappy/troubled/stressed/call it what you will….

I got a phone call from the hospital about Taylor and his latest test results are even worse than the last lot. I was sat in the car when she rang going to get the munchkin new shoes, as she spoke to me and tried to gently tell me the it is getting more serious I felt myself splinter…. I splintered into a million pieces and blew out the window, all that was left was an empty body holding a phone…. I know, honestly I know, I prepared myself and prepared myself so I could be strong when his world started going from “normal to not” but I’m struggling to deal with this. My brain has shut down and my emotions have fled, all thats left is a body on auto pilot, just going through the days. So far between now and christmas he’s got more appointments than I can shake a stick at.

Taylor is defo not making life any easier at the moment, he’s now refusing to take his tablets and I’m getting more clever and creative at hiding them in various things!

I know all this is having an affect on Taylor as the last blood tests he had done, he firmly told the nurse that if she wanted blood she could take her own. Yeah no-one likes their blood taken and Taylor has had a traumatic experience with needles but even the nurse was shocked and I just couldn’t stop apologising. Taylor only has good veins in his hands but, they’re not that good. It means he is always bruising.  😦

I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me what the future holds or a magic doctor that could make it all better “just like that” but I don’t and there isn’t one. I would give my life a million times over and sell my soul if it ment that Taylor didn’t have to go through this and that he was healthy and kidney transplant was just a word I read in the newspaper from time to time or saw on t.v..

They say everything in life happens for a reason, that mother nature does what she does to ensure the world is constantly evened out, that G*D knows all and he has his reasons…. every time I look at Taylor I can’t help but think why?…. Why? If G*D really exists, why put innocent children through this? Why make monsters, murderers, rapists? why make people suffer?

I know I need to pull myself together and stop this useless crying ( which I do more than I admit). I’m sick of being strong  and telling people that  “yeah we are all ok and yeah all is good”. Plastering some stupid grin on my face and showing the world a great big smile. I always thought the day I’m so dreadfully afraid of was years and years away and that I had plenty of time to make sure I was ready to cope not just for my son when he needs me but for his brothers and siters to….

Well it’s not years and years away anymore and I’m more afraid than ever….