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August the 10th 2022

I wrote the below on August the 10th this year. Those little moments of clarity before I fall are probably the scariest of all as I know its going to happen and yet I’m powerless to stop it. I thought I’d share this as despite how dumb and unintelligent I feel I am? I think that it shows that I’m actually not. Im just not for everyone and thats okay. No one is for everyone. I am me. Beautifully broken me. Ask me tomorrow and I’ll tell you I hate myself but right now? Im just here. Anyway… I chatter far far too much for a person that is so damn silent IRL...

There are times when I’m lost, lost in the sea of my thoughts… but no. That’s not quite right because some random song plays in my head on full blast on repeat and so I can’t find the actual thoughts behind it. It’s one big nothingness and I guess that’s kinda frightening and yet maybe it could mean I have an empty head? But truth is? I don’t. At the moment I know I’m standing on the precipice and the endless songs that play in my mind are distracting me from the fall I’m about to take. Everything has taken on a surreal quality and its kind of like looking up into a cloudless sky and for the first time seeing it as not flat blue but seeing the unimaginable depths and noticing that’s its not just blue but a subtle ombre of grays, pinks, purples, blues and whites dependent on where you look. Once again my thoughts are distracted by something else and I edge just a little closer to edge. I don’t know how far the fall will be this time and I’ve no clue as to whether I’ll land softly and be able to keep going or whether I’ll land on broken jagged shards that will tear me apart and I’ll once again have to find the threads of what is defined by society as normal and sane and then carefully sew myself haphazardly back together and pretend everything’s fine when under the surface its not. When I gets these moments of clarity I think that maybe they frighten me more as I know for certain I have crested a wave, I’ve ridden high on delirious happiness and that in itself should be an indicator that my mental state is precariously close to crashing out and my emotional well being is anything but okay. Sadly in these moments I always seem to find myself looking on from inside unable and helpless to do anything to stop the fall I know is about to happen. It’s like a stop function enabling me to get a good look at what’s going on and what is about to happen but, some joker is going to press play, at any moment now and I’m gonna take the fall and have to deal with the consequences. Something else catches my attention and my thoughts dash off giggling like a hyena on a fruitless chase of nothingness which allows me to unconsciously take another step close to the edge. Part of me wants to fight it kicking and screaming and the other part says just jump and get it over with. The sky is now currently a soft dove gray, it reminds me of a comforting blanket sadly that won’t stop the fall…

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Rain fall down the coffee shop window

the slow drip race of condensation,

The warmth

the smell a sweet sensation,

Watch the steam rise from my cup

the background chatter sound,

A glancing gaze

at the world around,

People performing

a silent story on a big glass screen,

Maybe these strangers that pass are heros

off to fight demons and slay dragons green,

Sweep my eyes across the coffee shop

and I’m being watched to…

Guess we’re all a silent movie to someone…

.x.

Add title…Add title…Add title…

Add a title WordPress says… what is a title? How do I write that I don’t want this any more? How do I write that I’m currently sitting here torn in two, part of me says tonight I need to end my life and the other part is desperately trying to place that wall back in front of my emotions and make me the cold unfeeling person that has been here since not long after my very last post on here. Which half’s gonna win? I don’t care any more… but no. That’s just it, I do care and I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired of trying to be perfect and not be so emotional and be better and just be what is wanted of me, what is expected of me. I’m tired of trying to be normal and of icing over every fucking crack so I appear normal to everyone. I’m tired.

I found the above the other day and I think it’s why I stopped writing. I stopped myself from becoming emotional, I became cold. I locked away every emotion so I wouldn’t feel anything when my mind replays the things that have happened over and over again. So I’d stop reacting when everything is crashing down around me. And so I’d stand silent when behind that facade I was breaking. It made me cold. I’m not proud of that fact. I’d become cold. Is this who I want to be? No. But the alternative? I don’t want to keep breaking again and again and again. Why can’t I be strong for once or better still? Why can’t I be normal? After seeing the above quote, it stuck with me… look at my poems… they’re very… huh, me? And in locking feelings away, maybe I locked away what torments me into writing because for me writing is in my blood, in my soul… its my heart bleeding down my fingers onto the screen or bleeding ink from a pen onto paper, it’s my soul, my very being ripping itself open onto the page, it’s the depths of despair and hatred and love and longing and blissful memories and closeness and sensual and its me… mixed up stormy hurricane me. Shutting down my feelings has taken that away so that even normal writing like what I’m doing now? It wouldn’t come. Hell… I haven’t even cried in ages because I can’t. Because I haven’t let myself. And yet here I am wondering what’s the point in living and feeling the tears sitting in my eyes and hurting… hurting and fucking look… the words are flowing.

This hits home with me. I saw it two days ago. The hardest thing for me is to exist. I don’t want to. But? I’m a parent. I have to. But? I DONT want to. Inside me? I hurt and I can’t tell you exactly where I hurt because it’s a deep fathomless aching hurt and it makes it just that little harder to breathe. I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to stand and not step off the ledge. The gray keeps promising me that the silence and the craving for everything to just stop will happen if I just let go and stop fighting. I’m trying. I’m trying…

So… since that last post I’ve been quiet again. That’s not to say I haven’t written, I have. I rhymed, I wrote poems, the words are kinda sketchy but they’re slowly forming like I’m breaking the block that has stopped them and torments them. I’ve had time to think on my last post, time to think if maybe I wrote certain parts wrong. Did I? Maybe… bits like when I blame me and decide I must have done something. I know in my heart I didn’t. I know because I would never. Because that isn’t me. I know and understand the difference between genuinely caring and whatever green light he thought I gave him. I am not to blame for his actions but I am dealing with the overwhelming emotions because of it.

I feel a little lighter since writing it out maybe there’s a truth to the saying “a problem shared” maybe… I still cry a lot but not as much. Up until yesterday, I hadn’t thought of death in 8 days. Yesterday was a bad day. Yesterday I admitted that my grasp on control isn’t really there and that my young childhood fears are now my adult ones. I admitted that I’m alone to deal with what’s in my head and it scares me. Who’d I admit it to? Myself of course. If I passed you in the Street? You’d never know what’s in my head or how low I get. My mask to the world. We all have a mask in various forms. What’s yours like?

When you grow up in care it changes you. It alters how you feel and think about the world. It sets you just a little apart. I have in the past asked others about this and they’ve agreed. You might not agree, and thats ok. We’re all different. It’s what makes us… well us I guess…

So what do I do now? How do I take more steps forward? I’ve read a lot of self help books and articles and stuff about mental help. I need to keep an appointment and get help because I know that going forward only professional help is going to make me… what would be the word? Its not better because a pill or bed rest won’t cure me. Easier maybe? Lighter? I don’t know and trying to think about it is making me lose my train of thought… you know…? I come off as sooooo dumb sometimes but(and I’m not inflating here), I’m not dumb. Nieve? Yeah… I take a gold medal in that., but dumb? No. Sigh… there was a meaning to this post and I’ve lost it. For fudge sake… growl… nope… trains gone.

I hope to post some poems soon and I hope to be smiling more soon and I hope to be lighter soon… I hope a lot of things…

But then… hope is the strongest emotion there is I believe, because no matter how far down you go and how badly things go wrong and how bleak things seem? Hope keeps us going. Hope makes us try again. Hope says don’t give up.

And just in case I ever forget to hope? Well… I also know that compared to others? My life really is Sunshine and rainbows…

I lied.

I’ve only got one rule on here. Just one. Tell the truth. I designated this as a safe place. Its why I don’t ever want people that know me to have access to this place, so they can’t judge, can’t know how dark I am inside… well I broke my rule. I lied. I lied to myself. I lied in my words on this page. I said I didn’t know when deep down I did.

To try and move forward? I’m going to right that wrong, or try to… this might jump around as my thoughts spill and I’m not going to correct the order if it does.

The beginning.

I had this friend. She was amazing. You know those women that instantly light up a room and they don’t even know it? That was her. Her laugh and her smile. I can hear her voice now in my mind. It hurts to write about her. I miss her greatly. My friend got ill. Badly ill. This was 4 years ago. She’d already been ill and then it got bad. Lots of hospital visits. I was friends with both her and her husband. We’re Londoners in a place that is far North from London. We were from different times them being in their late 60’s at the time but we knew the same places, even a couple of the same families.

When two people have been married a long time, they become a part of each other. They become balanced against life. When one can’t give as much the other gives a little more until they can. It’s a harmony that makes the relationship strong. They know each other. They have those solidly built foundations. But when something happens to one of them, the other is left to give and give while worry eats at them. Their perfect foundations are being lost a brick at a time. They start sinking. The oncoming rising waters start to suck up their happy and that person is left floundering and trying to grasp onto anything that can give them normality. From the outside it’s heartbreaking so see. One slowly dies through illness and the other flounders in the depths of what they have no control of. Despair comes out of every pore. It affects their words, their tone of voice, their sigh, their walk, movement, eyes, the very vibe they give off. When two people have been together that long? One may be going to lay in the ground, but the other? The other disintegrates and becomes the ghost.

So… my friend was ill… I visited her lots, at home and at the hospital. I later found out she thought of me as a daughter, that made me cry buckets. At her funeral I openly cried because she meant so much to me. I go to her grave 3 times a year and cry every time. For the first year I got up and thought I’d message her before being hit with the knowledge that she’s gone. Knowledge I refused to believe. Denial. I know that now.

Where’s the lie in this? I know you’re thinking it. Its there. You just don’t see it yet. There’s another side to this. One you’re not seeing but I know you’re thinking, you’re thinking and believe me, it’s not that but… its close to it. Am I to blame? Did I do wrong? Is it all my fault? See, I’ve blamed myself consistently for this. I’ve said it’s my fault because of the way I naturally am. If you knew me you’d know. I hate me but how can I change what makes me… well… me? So I’ve blamed myself for this entirely. It has to be my fault because thinking that it might not be? That’s why I took 2 overdoses last year and wanted to die. I don’t want these nightmares that torment over this. Am I to blame? Is this my fault? Is it?

I care. That’s me. I don’t like people hurting. I don’t like them sad. I noticed my wordfued player only playing sad words yesterday and spoke to them through the chat function doing my best to make them smile(they told me they burst out laughing and were looked at funny), I’ve never really spoken to them before other than “good game.” ” Well played.” “Last play, good night.” You know… simple stuff but we’ve played against each other a fair while now 1 of my 4 regular players, My fifth is taking a break from the online world. Anyway… gives you an idea of me. I always want make a sad person smile, I want to be there and support friends going through hard times. I care.

I’ve dropped words about my past on here over the years, I’ve been honest about the nightmares, abuse, I had in my childhood and that my biological egg carrier and sperms donor are NOT my parents. My dad? He was my second Foster dad called E… and it’s incredibly rare I talk about him. He was my dad. There’s a poem on here for him. As for a mum? She died 2 days after my 6th birthday(when I was taken into care). I went to her funeral when I was 9(when I was made a full ward of court and all her rights were taken away and the last time I ever saw her as a kid). My childhood broke me, it crushed something inside and ground it to dust, can’t fix that kind of broken but can live with it.

My friends husband has always given me a vibe to be wary. But I loved her so ignored it. I can’t remember how it came about, but he knew I’d been abused as a young child. He’d ask questions or make remarks when he knew only I’d hear. It used make me uncomfortable and red flags up all over the place. He would pay me compliments and just general make a point to talk to me. I’d usually talk about his wife. I want to point out that they have 3 children. 2 boys around my age and a daughter. I never even knew they had a daughter for the first 2 years of knowing them. When saying goodbye to his wife? I’d always hug her, remember I absolutely adore this lady. I’d feel I was being rude if I didn’t hug him goodbye to so reluctantly I would. So I guess because I started it I made all this my fault… at some point he started asking for kisses. I have always refused. I’m taken. Taken by a fucking Saint who has loved me despite me being tainted by my past. He’d say do you love me? I know you love me. I’d said love you to his wife, My friend. She was ill. Seriously ill. Really seriously ill. Looking back he was breaking then. I just didn’t quite see it enough. When she was finally admitted to hospital with no coming out, I saw her regularly and rang often and messaged every single day and we’d message back and forth when she was up to it or one of her sons would type for her or message me to say she was sleeping. I will never have a bad word to say about this lady. I love her like you love a family member. I adored her. Her husband I’d see maybe a couple of times a week as our social circles intertwined. First thing I’d always ask is how is she? I could have seen her the day before and I could have just had a text message conversation,but still first thing I’m asking. I’d ask how he was? I’d could see this man breaking and needing just someone to be there that wasn’t his boys. I’d always give him a hug. I didn’t know his pain but I knew how I felt about his wife and it was hurting me. Somewhere through this, he started trying to kiss me on the cheek, tired on the lips. He’d ask for a kiss. Always I get out of it, I’d move, I’d say no. You need to know this… I didn’t want this. Alarm bells would be screaming everytime he was around. It got to the point where I spent an hour in the toilet at an auction to hide because he only turned up to the auction looking for me. He would ask me to come round to his house by myself for a couple of hours. The phone calls started, things he’d say, things he’d ask. He’d ask who was there and who could hear him talking to me. I’d later started to ignore it when he rang saying sorry I was busy when he’d ask. All the time I was still going to see his wife,My amazing friend. This beautiful kind hearted amazing lady that I was so damn lucky to be able to call a friend. Then came the day of that phone call… I was walking to go pick my youngest up from school, she loved seeing me at hometime and that smile on her face when she saw me would make butterflies and rainbows and sunshine explode from me in happiness. Didn’t matter that she could walk by herself. She liked me there. So I’m walking to the school and my phone rings, I didn’t even look. Why didn’t I look? I just swiped it and said hello? Then his voice asking where I am, who am I with? Then he started talking about his wife. I asked if she was ok? How is she? I’ll come see her tonight if that’s ok? Then he starts talking about his wife in a different way, something they “did” then says that he hasn’t had it in over a year. Then asks for something from me and explains in great detail what he wants and how I’ll enjoy it as its what I want and after we can go back to before if I want to. I said no. No. No.

Ok… so if you’ve been reading this blog for a while? Then you’ll know the deep effect that had on me. It opened something up and now the words I’m scared are here. Now I feel scared. I’m afraid deep down. But did I cause this? What did I do that gave him these signals? I tried to be a friend. How did I do so wrong? What was it I did? I need to make sure I never do it again. This is my fault, I gave him some green light into thinking I “liked” him. I most definitely NEVER have. NEVER. I just wanted to be a friend to a man that was losing his wife. My talks were about her. She was my Beautiful Sweet kind friend that would light up rooms with her mere presence, without knowing. It was just the way she was. Its my fault isn’t it, I shouldn’t have tried to be a good friend when I saw him breaking and crying and falling apart. He was breaking, floundering, trying to grasp onto anything. This shit spins around in my head where I say I didn’t ask for any of it but I must have mustn’t I? Otherwise none of this would have happened. The darkness inside me was finally starting to win about this time. And that day by his car when he spotted me and called me and told me to walk to his car with him in the car park as he wanted to ask me something about the Bluetooth in his car. Why didn’t I say I couldn’t? See? It’s my fault. I should have said I couldn’t. But no. I connected his phone to his car again. He put his arm around my waist and again tried to kissed me as I pushed

I can’t do this any more. I want to sit here and cry but every damn feeling is locked and I don’t want to touch that door. I’m here afraid and scared and I’m here alone. I don’t want to write this any more. I tried to push him away. Yeah he was like 68 or 69 or around that. He was bigger, stronger and I felt like a rabbit. I got away and told him no. Always saying no.

His wife died at 9pm. Not that same day. A couple of weeks later. A couple of weeks of avoiding calls and turning off voicemail. Of him learning to text and messaging me and me straight deleting them without reading. Then she died. I sent a message addressed to him and his sons and the daughter that was never spoke of. That only visited the hospital once the whole time she was there. The daughter that didn’t even sit with her dad and brothers at the funeral. But she looked like hell and she didn’t cry and didn’t go to the wake. I sent a message because I’d lost my friend and she meant so much to me and I was crying loads and I wanted them to know how sorry I was that they’d lost not just a mum and a wife but a truly rare beautiful sweet kind person. After about 4 days the phone calls started again. I turned my phone from buzz to silent. Even now my phone doesn’t have sound. Didn’t stay more than 20 minutes of the wake. Both their boys came up and gave me massive hugs, these boys are built like their dad and intimidate the hell out of me,they are around my age. The husband tried to call me over but I pretended I didn’t hear and someone came over to him stopping him. After I’d left he rang and wanted to know why I hadn’t come to him at the wake and why I’d left? I said that I was emotional and I’m sorry. It’s been a hard day and I hope he and the boys are ok. They all have my thoughts, him the boys, their wive’s and children. I actually met the wives for the first time at the wake. They sat in the pew behind at the funeral.

There were 2 more times he actually succeeded in getting me alone, one of which although he only tried to hold me scared me the most and blew away any hold I thought I had on the darkness inside. I don’t want to talk about either. I changed my phone number and didn’t give it out. He originally got my first mobile number from his wife’s phone.

I haven’t seen him since he got far to close and tried to give me a kiss me at the cemetery on her birthday last year. He’s told me that I hurt him and owe him a big apology. He’s asked why I keep my love away from him and he’s asked if he can take me out for a meal, specifically to a Chinese restaurant. What did I do wrong? Because I need to make sure I never do it again. I hurt him and I don’t know how to say sorry for being a horrible person. I’m so confused over this but under everything? I’m scared of this man. So 4 years ago, all the cracks started in me because of everything that was happening. Now I don’t want to go out. I get panic attacks, I sleep terrible, I have nightmares nearly every night. I’ve put weight on. I don’t see anyone if I can help it. All my friends are gone where I’ve pushed every one of them away. I don’t want to leave the house and I hate myself. Every memory that my mind uses the emotional block to protect me of my past,my childhood torments me on repeat. I quit writing on here my blog. I don’t do anything that I used to do. I don’t even take care of myself like I used to. Can’t remember the last time I did my nails that were always long and decorated, my nail kit is in the shed. Rarely wear makeup anymore. Live in comfort clothes, big baggy t-shirts. I don’t want to be touched by anyone. Even giving the kiddos a hug is so much harder than before. Shopping is an utter nightmare that I just don’t want to do. I can not shop in tesco at all, even the one closer to me. He shops in the bigger tesco. Any thoughts with regards to intimacy, just the thoughts of it I mean, make me want to be sick. I have more dark days than good. I cry way way to often and I don’t even know why. A lot of days I don’t want to be here. A lot of days I believe I’m a bad person that I only deserve to not be here. Life would be better if I weren’t. I tried for so long to say that everything that happened wasn’t the reason for this well of darkness to open up inside of me but in my truths? I know it is. So there’s my lie. That’s the lie I told on here. I said I didn’t know why things had got so bad. I lied. I did know. I do know. I just have never wanted to admit it. Because I can’t pinpoint the thing I did wrong. I know I’m at fault, why would he have told me I owe him a huge apology if I wasn’t at fault? Because I did wrong. I gave him some green light that I didn’t even see was green. Where is that point that I went wrong? I need to know it so I never ever ever ever do it again.

I know I’m writing this on here but irl? I never want anyone to know. This man is an upstanding man in a community, well known and well liked and very much used to getting his way. He scares me and the fact of anyone knowing frightens me. But at the same time? I need a safe place to let it out. I can’t deal with it all locked inside me anymore. I am being consumed by darkness and its eating my will to live. I am a bad person, that’s how I feel. I feel dirty and tainted and defective and like I shouldn’t be here. I’m confused. How do I fix this? Can I fix this? I just want to be me again. I want my mind to stop. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

…Cracks…

I wanted to give up

I wanted to give up so bad,

I expected you

to be so mad,

I thought that you’ll leave

when I need you to stay,

Please please please

don’t ever go away,

I know that I’m broken

and I feel lost and alone,

and I know that’s partly my fault

And I’m wholly to blame,

The gray talks to me

pulling me into its game,

And I go

I fucking keep going,

Rational thinking

its knowing,

But I give in I’m so weak

can’t do this,

I push but it takes

the piss,

I want to

give in,

Keep drowning

within,

I keep saying I got this

I’m good,

But those are my lies

sugar-coated misunderstood,

Sugar-coated crystalline candy

love heart lies,

Because in my head I’m saying

goodbyes,

I’m slinking further

away,

I’m giving up more

every day,

But deep down

I need you to stay,

Please don’t leave though I push

you away,

I keep walking closer

closer to the edge,

It beckons and it calls me

step up to the ledge,

And I try and I fight

but I’m exhausted inside,

And I’m so damn sorry I

told you I was okay because I lied,

I want to give in,

But giving in

is a sin,

Life is so precious

and I feel so much shame,

My head is a mess

and I know I’m to blame,

I feel I’m not worthy

I should walk out life’s door,

But I’m not worth the time put a smile on

get up off the floor,

Please don’t leave

say that you’ll stay,

I’m cold with emotions

and push everyone away,

I lock myself off I

lock myself down,

And I know its my fault

I keep the gray in so I drown,

I drown quietly so

that you’ll never know,

Because I’m so ashamed of me I’m bad tainted

please don’t leave don’t go…

.x.

…shadows…

I see them the shadows

as they flit across the room,

Wreaking havoc in crevices

forboding luminescence in the gloom,

In the pained darkness in their stupor

their screams,

Slowly cracks forming

as they rip at the seams,

They echo and bounce

thrown back against the gray,

They slink and they linger

always looking to find a way,

They softly purr

feather like against the window pane,

They screech at denile of entry

they howl like mournful rain,

They creep and they scurry

and they try to blend in,

From the corners you’ll catch them

see them try to hide like a sin,

They won’t leave

me alone,

They’ve made my mind

their home…x.

Over the lake

dragonflies flit and soar,

They fly past the pond skaters

then back to the shore,

Bobber bobs

at the end of the line,

Sun through the trees

casts an iridescent dappled shine,

Breeze plays with shadows

a musical sigh,

Added to the sun’s light show

a pleasure to the eye,

Crickets sing symphonies

as the water beetles swim,

Dark shapes under water

as fish move within,

Bobber goes under

then goes on the run,

Fish took the bait

believing he’d won,

line shoots out

as he swims away,

sleeping man shoots up

“fish today ain’t your day!”

Ripples from the chase

lap the waters edge,

“I’m getting you today!”

the quiet man does pledge,

He cranks the reel handle

while fighting his prey,

That fish has had it coming

but today is his day,

A sliver of scales

a fighting big splash,

Damn fish it leaps out

quiet man lands with a crash,

But look there it is

the quiet man’s prize,

And he stares with a smile

can’t believe its size,

Holding his fish

he wades into the lake,

Come on old friend

you back home I will take,

Tomorrow I will fish I’ll be here

a new day,

From now on you won’t be

that big fish that got away”

.x.

Just so everyone knows… I’ve never fished before. I can imagine people that fish reading this and saying… “That’s NOT how you fish!” But? I was given the thought by random conversations with a quiet man that fishes and I kinda like how this turned out.

Title undeserved.

Old gateway

cracked pillars holding bleakness,

Over grown uneven path

encroaching foreboding ceaseless,

Crowded wood’s

either side of the road,

A melancholic wariness

the scene has bestowed,

Trepidation

apprehension,

Fear and flight

at attention,

Bend in the road

curves behind trees,

The unmistakable sound

twig snap on the breeze,

Heart stop mind freeze

adrenaline coils tight,

Keep walking but fear grows thankfully

it’s still light,

The day slight overcast

a sense of heaviness in the air,

A russle of leaves a crow screech

an albino one so fair,

And there it is

the house comes into view,

A darkness on the landscape

it sits between two massive yew,

Ornate arched windows

glass reflecting light,

Imagine this place all lit up

like a beacon in the night,

Warmth of breath on your neck

a whoosh in the air sharp crack,

The people in the window your last glimpse

eyes fall closed rolled onto your back,

Eyes swim into focus

roadside against a tree on the floor,

How’d you get here dreams of a house

your head hurts more and more,

Stand look across there’s an old gateway

cracked pillars iron gates shut tight,

It’s dark but you swear oh you swear

you’re being watched on this night,

Your car covered in debris and leaves

it was shiny clean when you stopped,

Looks like it’s sat here for weeks

a note under windscreen propped,

Forget

it says,

The wind brushes around you

hits the car and it sways,

Key already in the ignition

why would you leave it there,

Back out onto the road lights they catch

the dark eyes such a glare,

No one there but you feel it

you bare a mark,

You’ve been tagged by a hunter

you’ve be chosen by the dark…

Ugh… I had this pretty planned out but the last 10 lines have gone to poop so am quitting it. I’ll probably find this in a 6 months or so, lose my crap at how bad it is and rewrite it better. But for now? Here you go… more words that I don’t like. I swear I can’t write for sh@t just lately. Sigh… oh well… another day I guess… sending you all a hug through the wire.x.

Balaur…

Plated armour

shiny scales,

Smooth to touch

hard as nails,

Knowing eyes that see

so far away,

Push off from the dirt

be on your way,

Wings that glide

on gentle breeze,

Talons brush

against the tops of the trees,

A snort of heat

as thoughts get to great,

Over thinking with worry no simplicity

you state,

Soaring upwards

pushing up high,

An ebony shadow

against starry sky,

Blink and you’ll miss it

what did you see,

Was that a…

no it can’t be,

Fly over woodlands

fly over fields,

The heart wants what it wants

the heart fights the mind yields,

Sharp talons land

in softest earth,

So graceful and majestic

belies your girth,

Look through the window

spie your prey,

A mortal mere human

she’s dreaming away,

She stumbled on something

you need to retrieve,

The implications of wich

she cannot conceive,

There in the corner

near the firelights glow,

It’s still in her knapsack

such precious cargo,

Swifly quietly

the knapsack retrieved,

Its safe and unharmed

the girl earns a reprieve,

You stretch out your wings

ready to go,

And there she stands

in moonlight soft glow,

She bows

lowly,

Standing upright

slowly,

You dip your head

then push into the sky,

Your wings beat a gale

carrying you up high,

Soaring into the night

with the life you created,

You thought it was lost

with the death of your fated,

But here in your talons

your bloodline lives on,

And you carry it safely

as you fly towards the dawn,

By the time the day starts

from these lands you’ll be gone,

A mythical story to most

but they couldn’t be more wrong…x.

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Daydreaming and then, maybe, writing a poem about it. And that's my life.

The Darkest Fairytale

Poetry written by Katrina Cain

Sir'sbutterfly blog

#submissive #beautifuldisaster #life #love #freedom #bdsm #Dom

Mind of Sir

Diary of a recovering Dom.....

Young Indian Revolution Journals Pvt. Ltd.

An organization which stands for liberation of society from the dominant shackles put up by the society itself.

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poems and odd thoughts, stories and odd people

Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind

"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"

Inner Monologue

For when you just need to let it all out. Blogging about mental health, writing poetry and stories. Please do get in touch if you wish. Email and Twitter down below.

Memoirs of a Muse

The little things I wonder about, experience and document

Lignes invisibiles

Invisible lines associating ideas, creating images.

An empty space....

Just another WordPress.com site

Beautiful Disaster: A manifestation of trauma

"You fancy me mad. Madmen know nothing" The Tell-Tale Heart Edgar Allen Poe

Pieces Of K Blog

Everything created is another piece of me.

Notes from the U.K.

Exploring the spidery corners of a culture and the weird stuff that tourist brochures ignore.

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life, liberty, love, and laughter

Sulaiman Hafeez

Jack of all trades, striving for mastery in quite a few.

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I want to be rich. Rich in love, rich in health, rich in laughter, rich in adventure and rich in knowledge. You?

PT Master Guide

Your Complete Medical Guide.

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comida italiana

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how to be a better me.

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My reflections of life in general.

Batman Crime Solver

"Non è tanto chi sono, quanto quello che faccio, che mi qualifica" ________________________________________________ "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me." ("Batman Begins")

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Great Blue Herons: A study in patience and grace

Rivers Renewed

Restoring and renewing our rivers through poetry and wordflow.

Indian first

Expressing what one feels

ambroseandelsie

Serial short stories about Ambrose Smith, vampire.

Scribbled Verse

Scribbles by Afzal Moolla

Celler-Adocse

Festes i fires de Catalunya, receptes de cuina i molt més

piece meal adventurer

Tales of the journeys of a piecemeal adventurer as a discontinuous narrative

a.mermaid'spen_

I read, rant and write ;)

Aphorism with Abhishek

The stuff that matters

A Pondering Mind

A little of this. A little of that.

Heart Breathings

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart." William Wordsworth

All About Life

Ideas and musings from a middle-aged 20 something

Blessings by Me

Frugal Living Tips & DIY Home Decor From My House to Yours

kiwissoar

flights of fancy from New Zealand

Leigh's Wordsmithery

Where Words are Tempered, Not Tamed

LargeRoomNoLight

Confessions of a Creative Energy Addict

I didn't have my glasses on....

A trip through life with fingers crossed and eternal optimism.

An Unexpected Muse…

You may soon discover that love is what happens when life is allowed to free the mind of all its fears.