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…Cracks…

I wanted to give up

I wanted to give up so bad,

I expected you

to be so mad,

I thought that you’ll leave

when I need you to stay,

Please please please

don’t ever go away,

I know that I’m broken

and I feel lost and alone,

and I know that’s partly my fault

And I’m wholly to blame,

The gray talks to me

pulling me into its game,

And I go

I fucking keep going,

Rational thinking

its knowing,

But I give in I’m so weak

can’t do this,

I push but it takes

the piss,

I want to

give in,

Keep drowning

within,

I keep saying I got this

I’m good,

But those are my lies

sugar-coated misunderstood,

Sugar-coated crystalline candy

love heart lies,

Because in my head I’m saying

goodbyes,

I’m slinking further

away,

I’m giving up more

every day,

But deep down

I need you to stay,

Please don’t leave though I push

you away,

I keep walking closer

closer to the edge,

It beckons and it calls me

step up to the ledge,

And I try and I fight

but I’m exhausted inside,

And I’m so damn sorry I

told you I was okay because I lied,

I want to give in,

But giving in

is a sin,

Life is so precious

and I feel so much shame,

My head is a mess

and I know I’m to blame,

I feel I’m not worthy

I should walk out life’s door,

But I’m not worth the time put a smile on

get up off the floor,

Please don’t leave

say that you’ll stay,

I’m cold with emotions

and push everyone away,

I lock myself off I

lock myself down,

And I know its my fault

I keep the gray in so I drown,

I drown quietly so

that you’ll never know,

Because I’m so ashamed of me I’m bad tainted

please don’t leave don’t go…

.x.

…shadows…

I see them the shadows

as they flit across the room,

Wreaking havoc in crevices

forboding luminescence in the gloom,

In the pained darkness in their stupor

their screams,

Slowly cracks forming

as they rip at the seams,

They echo and bounce

thrown back against the gray,

They slink and they linger

always looking to find a way,

They softly purr

feather like against the window pane,

They screech at denile of entry

they howl like mournful rain,

They creep and they scurry

and they try to blend in,

From the corners you’ll catch them

see them try to hide like a sin,

They won’t leave

me alone,

They’ve made my mind

their home…x.

Over the lake

dragonflies flit and soar,

They fly past the pond skaters

then back to the shore,

Bobber bobs

at the end of the line,

Sun through the trees

casts an iridescent dappled shine,

Breeze plays with shadows

a musical sigh,

Added to the sun’s light show

a pleasure to the eye,

Crickets sing symphonies

as the water beetles swim,

Dark shapes under water

as fish move within,

Bobber goes under

then goes on the run,

Fish took the bait

believing he’d won,

line shoots out

as he swims away,

sleeping man shoots up

“fish today ain’t your day!”

Ripples from the chase

lap the waters edge,

“I’m getting you today!”

the quiet man does pledge,

He cranks the reel handle

while fighting his prey,

That fish has had it coming

but today is his day,

A sliver of scales

a fighting big splash,

Damn fish it leaps out

quiet man lands with a crash,

But look there it is

the quiet man’s prize,

And he stares with a smile

can’t believe its size,

Holding his fish

he wades into the lake,

Come on old friend

you back home I will take,

Tomorrow I will fish I’ll be here

a new day,

From now on you won’t be

that big fish that got away”

.x.

Just so everyone knows… I’ve never fished before. I can imagine people that fish reading this and saying… “That’s NOT how you fish!” But? I was given the thought by random conversations with a quiet man that fishes and I kinda like how this turned out.

Title undeserved.

Old gateway

cracked pillars holding bleakness,

Over grown uneven path

encroaching foreboding ceaseless,

Crowded wood’s

either side of the road,

A melancholic wariness

the scene has bestowed,

Trepidation

apprehension,

Fear and flight

at attention,

Bend in the road

curves behind trees,

The unmistakable sound

twig snap on the breeze,

Heart stop mind freeze

adrenaline coils tight,

Keep walking but fear grows thankfully

it’s still light,

The day slight overcast

a sense of heaviness in the air,

A russle of leaves a crow screech

an albino one so fair,

And there it is

the house comes into view,

A darkness on the landscape

it sits between two massive yew,

Ornate arched windows

glass reflecting light,

Imagine this place all lit up

like a beacon in the night,

Warmth of breath on your neck

a whoosh in the air sharp crack,

The people in the window your last glimpse

eyes fall closed rolled onto your back,

Eyes swim into focus

roadside against a tree on the floor,

How’d you get here dreams of a house

your head hurts more and more,

Stand look across there’s an old gateway

cracked pillars iron gates shut tight,

It’s dark but you swear oh you swear

you’re being watched on this night,

Your car covered in debris and leaves

it was shiny clean when you stopped,

Looks like it’s sat here for weeks

a note under windscreen propped,

Forget

it says,

The wind brushes around you

hits the car and it sways,

Key already in the ignition

why would you leave it there,

Back out onto the road lights they catch

the dark eyes such a glare,

No one there but you feel it

you bare a mark,

You’ve been tagged by a hunter

you’ve be chosen by the dark…

Ugh… I had this pretty planned out but the last 10 lines have gone to poop so am quitting it. I’ll probably find this in a 6 months or so, lose my crap at how bad it is and rewrite it better. But for now? Here you go… more words that I don’t like. I swear I can’t write for sh@t just lately. Sigh… oh well… another day I guess… sending you all a hug through the wire.x.

Balaur…

Plated armour

shiny scales,

Smooth to touch

hard as nails,

Knowing eyes that see

so far away,

Push off from the dirt

be on your way,

Wings that glide

on gentle breeze,

Talons brush

against the tops of the trees,

A snort of heat

as thoughts get to great,

Over thinking with worry no simplicity

you state,

Soaring upwards

pushing up high,

An ebony shadow

against starry sky,

Blink and you’ll miss it

what did you see,

Was that a…

no it can’t be,

Fly over woodlands

fly over fields,

The heart wants what it wants

the heart fights the mind yields,

Sharp talons land

in softest earth,

So graceful and majestic

belies your girth,

Look through the window

spie your prey,

A mortal mere human

she’s dreaming away,

She stumbled on something

you need to retrieve,

The implications of wich

she cannot conceive,

There in the corner

near the firelights glow,

It’s still in her knapsack

such precious cargo,

Swifly quietly

the knapsack retrieved,

Its safe and unharmed

the girl earns a reprieve,

You stretch out your wings

ready to go,

And there she stands

in moonlight soft glow,

She bows

lowly,

Standing upright

slowly,

You dip your head

then push into the sky,

Your wings beat a gale

carrying you up high,

Soaring into the night

with the life you created,

You thought it was lost

with the death of your fated,

But here in your talons

your bloodline lives on,

And you carry it safely

as you fly towards the dawn,

By the time the day starts

from these lands you’ll be gone,

A mythical story to most

but they couldn’t be more wrong…x.

Darkness come hold me…

Come hold me because I don’t want to be alone…

Some times the most scariest thing for me are the moments of clarity. Those little moments of quiet when I realise just how sad I am. How low I am. And how close I really am to giving up hope.

I’m sitting here in the kitchen, the last vestiges of evening light fading into a gloominess punctuated by the light from the screen. I’m back in my favourite spot leaning with my back against the washing machine sat on the floor, feet against the oven door(I described this kitchen once, put 2 people in it and it’s over crowded). The encroaching darkness acting like a shield to hide my emotions from the world. My heart is heavy. It’s an organ I hear you say… You don’t get it then do you, My emotions have spilled over and are weighing me down to the point I feel like I’m drowning in them. I ask myself just what the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I shake this shit? And I’m trying to pull myself together and show I’ve got this but I haven’t.

I had an interesting conversation a few days ago… long story short, I said I hide how I feel. They said “women don’t do that.” But I do… If you saw me in 5minutes time? You’d see me smiling. If you saw me 5 minutes ago? I would have been smiling. What you won’t see? Is how I feel. That’s always hidden behind my smile. It’s my mask for the world. A simple smile. But if you’re clever? You’ll notice my eyes, those don’t lie and always(begrudgingly), give me away. Luckily most people don’t notice and I rarely look people in the eyes. But back to the person that said women don’t do that… I’m thinking they didn’t like it that I hide how I feel. How I really feel from them. It’s not that I’m trying to be horrible. It’s that I don’t want to be judged as failing. I don’t want to be judged and found a failure. Most people think I’ve always got my shot together and truth is I haven’t and I’m usually just winging it on a wish and a prayer and thanking destiny that shot turns out right( or cussing that it’s all going to hell in a pisspot). The point is I won’t ask for help. I don’t ask for help. I don’t want others to know that I’m a sham, a failure.

There is no harsher critic of me than me, and I will rip myself apart if the seeds of doubt grow to high. Sigh… I forgot the original point of this post. There was one but it’s lost in how shite I feel. Sometimes I think I should just give in to the encapsulating darkness when it embraces me telling me to let go. I really think I should shower and go to bed. My thoughts are currently in a very bad, very dark place. And I don’t really want to leave it because as much as I fight the darkness? It’s the one thing that is always there for me. It won’t judge me as a failure and will swirl itself around me as I fall apart again and again and again. It’s the one thing I know without a doubt… This darkness that I consistently fight? It’s the one that’s always here to hold me… It’s the only one who always sees behind my smile.

Sending you all a hug down the wire because I know there’s people going through the same and feeling as alone as I do. As sad as I do. As heavy as I do. And just like I do? I bet they hide behind a smile… Whoever and where ever you are? I hope you find an outlet like I have. Hugs.x.

415…

…I just wanna

overdose

on the intoxicating air

you breathe…

.x.

414…

…Right now I’m dieing inside

just a little…

…Right now I’m crying inside

just a little…

…But its alright, yeah it’s ok.

There’s always tomorrow,

while I fall apart today…

.x.

413

I love you

and will love you…

in this life until

my dieing breath,

beyond this life,

and beyond the next.

I will search for you

in every lifetime

and I will love you,

with all my heart

in each and every one.

For my soul

is bound to you eternally.

You are my forever…

my always…

my One…

.x.

Hope is a “cap de pula”

“Hi! How are you?”

Those words… those words mean I have to bend the truth. I have to find a way to tell you what you what to hear. That I’m ok. That I’m doing good. Because you don’t really want to hear that I’m not. Again. So I show you that I’m good and I spend the day with a stupid smile and a happy positive vibe for you to see. And then later? I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from the pretence. The 1 woman show that I’ve put on for everyone to see. From where I’ve worked so hard to have everyone thinking that I’m ok and that I’ve not failed again. And then despite feeling exhausted? I’m awake at night clawing at my mind like I claw at my skin. And the anxiety builds and the self doubt builds and the darkness wins a little more and I smile for everyone to see and I’m ok. And I fail. All I do is fail.

It’s not supposed to be like this. I’m supposed to have been able to kick it into touch by now. I’m supposed to have snapped out of it and stopped moping and whatever other words I’ve heard people say… the past is in the past, I’m not a child anymore… grow up and get on with it. I’ve heard it all. But some scars run deep. They fracture you and physically break something deep inside. Some broken children heal and others don’t. The ones that don’t turn into broken adults. And it’s not their fault they’re broken. It’s not my fault I’m broken. But to me? To me it’s my fault. I don’t want to be a failure. I don’t want to disappoint. So I’m ok. But I’m not… I’m tired of the games that my mind plays. I want out of it. I want to be rid of the thoughts, the memories, the flashbacks, but most of all? I want to be rid of the nightmares. The things I see when I sleep. Or the terror I feel on the odd occasion I go to the shop and hear someone with that tone of voice. I want to stop being afraid of everything and everyone. Sounds stupid? Yep I know. But it’s the truth. Looking back, I never used to be like this. This bad I mean. It started getting worse about 7 years ago. I don’t know what the catalyst was. But now I question every thing I do, think, and say. I judge myself so harshly that I don’t leave any of myself left for anyone else to judge. It’s said that we are our own worst critic. I rip myself apart before anyone else gets chance to realise just what a failure I am. Because if others found out that I was less? Then they would stay away. People hurt you. No one gets in therefore they can’t hurt me. Only I can hurt me.

Honestly? I’m tired of the whirlwind that is me. That is my mind. My thoughts. My feelings. My emotions… I’m tired of me. I’m tired of fake smiling. I want so desperately to give up and yet, there’s this tiny stupidly annoying little thing inside of me… this tiny little spark… its called hope. And as much as I loathe myself? Hope keeps shining. Hope refuses to give up. Hope keeps me going…

…sigh…

Depression/darkness/anxiety/whatever you wish to call it… they are strong and powerful things. But hope? That tiny little sparkling glimmer of hope? It’s the most powerful thing there is.

So… I’m going through bad days(again), My poems on here have stopped(again). But? I’ll be posting soon because? Hope doesn’t let me quit life.

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