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Thoughts of you
have crossed my mind all week,
And honestly I try so hard to bury you
but to you my mind does seek,
All these years
and feelings don’t won’t change,
We move further away
and our lives they rearrange,
My emotions forever your toy
something time can’t rip apart,
I try so hard to scrub it off
your name forever etched upon my heart….
From grace so soft
you fall you fall,
You land in the background
without a sound or call,
Oblivious to the sounds
that hit the senses from all around,
Searing pain in your chest
heavy burden by which your bound,
Why? you did ask
am I blessed with this heart?
It flutters and craves passion
far to fragile from the start,
Love makes it hurt
love makes it bleed,
And yet without love it’s empty
just an incessant hunger and need,
Your wings they turned brittle
and blew away in the breeze,
You whispered a silent prayer
heard only by the trees,
Again your question echos
is the heart real?
And then you were asked
have you forgotten how to feel?
And so you’ve been cast
from sky to the ground,
For you to be reminded how to feel emotions
and the love and wonder to be found,
Look up high at the stars
you’ve so much to relearn,
Until your wings they come back
and to your home you return….
11:04 pm 13th June….
Laying here in the dark trying to write a little of my heart and soul into a poem. First the words flow, and i bleed them delicately…. perfectly… straight through the pen I hold to my phones screen. Bleeding straight from the heart my feelings untamed and raw… uncensored….
A thought of you flitters across, and it all comes crashing, this tremendous wave of emotions, that makes my heart flutter wildly as it struggles to restore order to my mind that now looks as though a tornado has just swept through it…. A simple fleeting thought and the words stop as you unintentionally, unknowingly, invade them….
And what am I to do but to ignore and move on. Nothing but to start afresh these endless words of mine, to stick this pen to phone and write a new….
1,2,3,4,5 times…. All different, until you fall somewhere in to them….
And so instead I write this…. I write you….
But maybe then you will leave my immediate invading thoughts and my heart and mind can bleed their own uninterrupted ponderings….
Time will tell….
For now I’ll just write this…. so blatantly about you…. Then maybe for now thoughts of you will fade….
Time will tell,
It always does….
It’s been a while since I wrote on here. Everything got to much and I felt like the things that were happening in life were out of my control. So an update is due….
On the 29th of May, me and my family were made homeless. We knew it was going to happen, all the trying to find a place to live had failed and honestly stressed, miserable, and angry, are the closest words to how I felt. It was stressing for my older children as they understood the uncertainty we were facing and my youngest 2 found an adventure that we were going to take, in the way younger children have that amazing ability to do. Going to the council office to “present” my family as homeless was…. well I felt ashamed that it had come to this.
The housing officer (who I’d already met) was great and after filling out forms and a lengthy discussion with her and a couple of other people, we got the keys to temporary accommodation in a place called Carlton Le Moorland. By 5 pm we’d moved in.
Carlton Le Moorland is a beautiful place, it has no shops (the nearest are just over 1.5 miles away), and is really quiet and nice. The house was really nice and if not so far from the children’s schools would be the ideal place to stay.
While we were adjusting the housing team were still busy working. Now I know a lot of my followers are not in the UK, but it’s worth knowing that councils in the UK get a lot of bad stick. But they also do so much good as this just goes to show.
On the 8th of June I met another housing officer to look round a house in Branston not far from where I originally lived. The house is really nice and we moved in and spent our first night under the roof of “our” house. Being a council property I signed a secure tenancy so (as long as I’m a good tennant), I can stay for as long as I want. It being a council property, if anything goes wrong they have a duty to fix it and to fix it promptly.
Am I happier? Yes. Less stressed? Still stressing, but much less and about other things like trying to get the house in order (it currently looks like a shopping mall has exploded in it), and changing address on everything. I have had to change schools that 2 of my children go to as I now live directly across from a secondary school with the other being about 8 miles away. So to far.
So my eldest finishes school today, forever. Last exam (Physics) this afternoon and then next stop collage and apprenticeship. My 2 they went to a different secondary school start on Wednesday. And ALL of them are settling in ok so far….
So what happens next? Well those pages aren’t written yet so time will tell I guess….
Yup that’s how I feel…. I have failed….
So I guess I should lay it out from the beginning….
My landlord wanted their house back, they gave us an eviction notice, it wasn’t/isn’t anything I’ve done. She wants it back for personal reasons and I know the reason why. The first eviction notice was invalid so she had to give me a new one.
I’ve done every thing I can’t think of to find a place to live but as I’m also a carer, I’m on benefits.
Being on benefits is hard, nope I don’t want to be on them, I’d much rather be working but I can also see it from an employers point of view…. your not gonna higher someone who needs loads of time off. Being on benefits I can’t go to a letting agency as they want a guarantor, don’t have one of those. That leaves me private and council. I’ve been to the council and they say yeah, you’d qualify for a 3 bed house but, we don’t have any at the moment. There are no private houses for rent within the area I’m looking that will take people on benefits or pets (honestly all those lazy cats do is sleep!). I’ve thought about it and went for a 15 mile radius of my children’s schools, that’s a big area. But zilch….
On the 29th of May, we have to leave that’s the big “E” date. Still I’ve found nowhere. On the 29th I’ve got to go to the council and present myself and children as homeless. They’ve said there’s a very good chance we’ll be put up in a hotel for at least a week.
My eldest son starts his GCSE’s tomorrow. One of the biggest stresses of his life so far, and now add to this stress the uncertainty of “where are we gonna live”.
One of the things I remember most is that my mum constantly let me down. I always vowed I wouldn’t do that to my kids…. let them down…. and here I am proving I am just like her…. I’ve failed at providing my children with a very basic need….the security….the stability of a home.
I sat in a meeting last week to discuss all this and the housing officer reminds me that it’s not my fault, I’m handling this well, doing all I can, holding it together good, blah, blah, blah…. All I can think is that No. I’m not doing good, I’m failing my kids. No uncertainty there, that’s clear cut. They are going to be classed as homeless…. I as a parent have failed them….
I’ve spent the weekend moving furniture into storage, I’ve done over half the house. Big furniture wise I’ve got 3 double wardrobes, a large high sided oak sideboard, the bigger half of a very large wall unit, a table, drinks cabinet and huge oven. Plus mattresses. Everything else will be small. This afternoon I cut my hand on dirty glass, it’s deep and my kids dad said I should go to the hospital for stitches but to be honest after you’ve sat waiting for and hour or more in a waiting room…. that’s not for me. So I tipped a bottle of tcp all over it after cleaning as much as I could. Now its all taped up. And the house doesn’t look like my hand was slaughtered (seriously? How much blood!) That’ll teach me to be more careful.
I feel Shit and mixed up and emotional and more than anything like I’ve failed…. There is nothing anyone can say that will change my mind on that. Part of me wants someone I can just let it all out to but the other part says, hey Nem you have to do this on your own. I don’t know which part to believe any more…. It means I’m pushing more people away and coming off as rude and cold, even though I want them in my life and it just makes me feel more emotional….
All I can think is even though I’ve failed them…. I’ll get through this and as a family it is so good that their all close to each other. I have failed them, of that no one will ever change my mind….We’ll get through this…. Hopefully….