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Eye of the storm….

I haven’t written on here in a while so I’m trying…. I’m still writing but what I write annoys even me. There’s a demon inside me and at the moment I’m losing my fight against him. At the moment I don’t even want to fight. I’m tired of the desolate landscape of my feelings. I’ve had enough of the destructive war in my mind. And I’m sick, sick of the battle that rages through my blood, turning me to black, sucking me down, drying me out….
  Right now in this moment of clarity, in the calm in the eye of my storm, I ask myself if this is how it’s always gonna be? And I have to ask myself why?  Why depression?  Why am I affected like this? What chemical imbalance of fucked upness happened to be like this? I guess that’s the million dollar question….
  I want a good night’s sleep. One where I don’t have to wait until my body is exhausted to get it, where it lasts more than 2 hours and where I’m not having nightmares. Apparently that’s to much to ask….
  I keep trying to loosen these chains to the point it just becomes about the chains and I’ve forgotten exactly why I’m trying to loosen them in the first place. To smile again, I have to tell myself, to smile on the inside, not the mask that the world sees, but to smile where it matters….
The light is there somewhere…. I’m sure of it. But the gray is so tempting, it lures me with false promises, it caresses and soothes in a soft singsong voice hypnotising, binding it’s self to me, wrapping it’s tendrils around and even though I know I should fight it. Even though I know the gray doesn’t actually care. It’s so easy to accept, to want to follow it, like a child pulled along by the invisible threads of a sweet shop…. I can’t help but follow, listening to this demons soft seductive voice calling calling calling….
And I somehow always follow, in a daze stumbling after it, in a hypnotic stupor,  drunk on its empty promises, drugged by its wondrous tales of how much better it will be. And each time it tells me to jump and I do, and each time I fall…. will I ever learn? Will I ever be strong enough to say no? Is that kind of strength possible? I honestly don’t know….
I think today might be my last day of calm in the eye…. I smell a storm coming on. I can hear the dusty clank of chains and the irrisistable sound of calling. I can’t help but want to follow the voice that I know constantly pushes me over the edge. For some strange reason I’m looking forward to the kiss and caress of my demon as he binds me and wraps his arms around me, pulls me into the abyss….
  Somewhere along the fall I’ll start fighting, I always do. And I bounce back to normal, it’s a slow bounce but yeah, I fight. I’ve never hit bottom of the fall, I wonder if there is a bottom? Or is the bottom where you just give up? Where you sleep for eternity? I don’t know and I never want to find out or should I say, I’ve never got to that stage where I’ve wanted to know for a 100%. I hope I never do….
  Group, 1 to 1, writing about it, talking about it, knowing and remembering my triggers. On and on and on…. Right now, right here, right in this moment, right when it matters….? I just don’t care….
As with what happens next….?
Only time will tell….
I will fight it…. I always do….

.x.

A thought on bubbles….

  There is something so profoundly calming and serene about sitting on the back step blowing bubbles…. You may think that sounds crazy. Hey even I do writing it but, just give it a thought for a moment…. from an imaginative point, open yourself up to the endless creativity s of just what the bubble is, can be, will be and was…. ok I’m the first to admit I sound like a loon but….
….Each bubble is a tiny burst of life soaring,
An iridescent  orb for us adoring,
A story weaving magic for children at play,
A multicoloured smile to lighten their day,
Deep down I don’t think it matters your age….
A bubble is a pretty cool thing….

.x.

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~ Demon…. ~

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And he laughs and he laughs
as I weep as I weep….

.x.

I’m really thinking of expanding on this….
I think it could make a great poem, but I’d lose my hand and have it all just writing…..x

It’s raining….
And as the rain hits my skin
it’s like a kiss from you blazing trails burning,
Removing rational thoughts
just to you my mind it’s turning,
Your lips across my skin kissing sucking tasting caressing
and suddenly there is no ground,
As all I feel is you on me
my heart beating faster the only sound,
Your scent that makes me delirious
more and more I need of you,
Your touch your breath against my skin
there is nothing that I am but lost to you so true,
Lean harder against me feel your intense heat
and I am nothing to this world this earth there is nothing but you….
To my lips you kiss your name a hundred million times
till your name is burned upon my soul,
Playing with it moulding it until I am nothing but yours
you own me my whole,
You affect me so deeply intricately
and yet so delicately cascading a passion such an intense heat,
That now I am lost to you with such intensity
your scent your oh so sexy voice I am lost to you everytime we meet….

.x.

….I am lost to everyone to everything….
                      ….but you….

To M…. You inspired me to write, so I feel it appropriate that the title is yours….
Thank you for the inspiration .x.

Hugs you always.x.x.

So I was talking to your aunt today and she said you were doing some course at a police station, I laughed and said I’d have to disown any knowledge of you if you ever decided to become a copper. She laughed and said you’d never let me because you care. I said you couldn’t care less…. It was then I remembered our last proper texts and how they ended. And the next day me explaining and telling you my dirty secret…. The reason I am scarred…. tainted…. dirty…. fine you said, I won’t ask again. And I hate to say it but those words have played on my mind. Because even though I asked you to Forget, now your perception of me will has changed. And I’m afraid because a wall will build and I will push you as far away as I can. I don’t want to (and you know how I feel so you know I won’t want this ), but it’s a self defense so I can’t get hurt. It just happens. Part of me says forget that that morning happened and just carry on like before. But I’m not like that with things like this. And I’m afraid to text you and say anything for fear of what you’ll say (or not say) (I don’t know which is worse). So I guess I won’t text you and just see if you text or maybe I’ll just text hi. Or maybe cause I’m female and we naturally over think things and fret way to much, I’m pulling this apart to much and should just chill out (probably). Either way, nothing changes, I care and you know….
Hugs and Take Care.x.

.x.

~ Soul…. ~

Here in the darkness
So soft cold deep,
I offer you
My soul to keep,
A jagged hole in my chest
Where nothing can hide,
My heart bloodied on the floor
There’s nothing left inside,
My heart is not worth it
My soul worth much more,
So I offer you My soul
Leave my heart on the floor….

.x.

Truths behind the words….

“Hi, how are you?”

….how am I?….

Well what you don’t know don’t matter….
What you don’t see you don’t need to know….

Emotionally I’m falling just being sucked down that hole
And as I think the words fall and skitter across the floor,
Until there’s nothing left but silence
There’s no lighted me any more,
And I can’t write because there’s to much
And I’m hurting there’s so much pain,
It’s all mixed up there’s this thunderstorm in my mind
And my soul is so lost in the rain,
And there’s no bright happy
There’s no sun,
Everything’s falling apart
Unravelling loosening undone,
And all I can do is stand here
And watch this destruction I can’t flee,
Slowly the chains of depression take hold
Suffocating I can’t break free,
Swallow me thick
Dark night,
Blind me cage me
Keep me from the light,
And on hands and knees I succomb to the
Eternal dark,
The nightmarish frights lay their hand to all
So barren and stark,
I kick back draw in
Another ragged breath,
Please stop this pain this hurt stop this drowning of my soul
Down this path is worse than death….

….”Hi, how are you?”….

Hey I’m good :) how are you?”

.x.

I like this….

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I wanted to write and ask if you were awake
Coz my mind is hurting real bad,
There’s a tornado of thoughts a hurricane of emotions
And their all leaving me empty and sad,
You fill that void
I don’t know why,
I take another breath
Release my long held sigh,
This isn’t working
I need to be over you,
It’s like my soul’s been searching forever
And your what it needs so true,
You’ve infected my skin heart mind and soul
Infected it all,
It makes me weak
And you stand tall,
Line me up
To take the fall,
I’m your fool
Just at your beck and call,
When will I learn
Is it possible to break free,
Of this bond bound by the chains of time
To forget about you and just be me,
But you I don’t want to
Forget,
Your in my heart, my soul
My skin,
Here’s a knife cut me deeper
Never stop coming in….

.x.

….I am and always will be….
….your fool….
.x.

~ For M…… ~

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Intimacy…. Giving someone a part of you that no other can have…. .x.

.x.

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